So this supposed moment of clarity hit me last night when I realized that maybe I can control what I put in my body and how much I move it since I can't control or predict other areas of my life that seem out of reach (like the status of my marriage, my imminent return to work after being a stay-at-home mom for 6+ years, where my kids will go to school, where I'll be living). Since I can't control those things, then surely I can control my own body - right? I set a plan of what I'd eat the next day, how I'd work out and which workout I'd do, and even wrote myself a little loving and inspirational note to kick some butt.
Fast forward a few hours and it is 4:45am and my energetic son has awoken me, insisting I get up and go to the living room with him. This comes after a late bedtime as I like/need to take advantage of the quiet time after the kids go to bed or else I don't get any time for me, and a 2am interruption by said son who had a terrible dream about ladybugs. I was not happy, not ready to eat the appropriate foods in the appropriate portions, and I was definitely not going to be working out anytime soon. All I wanted was to climb back into my warm bed that I seem to never spend enough time in. My head ached, my back and hips were sore from inadequate rest, my mood was low and dark, and my will power was shot.
I spent the first couple of hours of my day in this low place but then lightness came - not in the form of setting up another diet shift and regimented workout routine that I'd likely fail to stick with yet again, but in the form of acceptance that this is where I'm at right now. This is just temporary. I gained weight, yup it's true. I accept it. Honestly, I'm happy it wasn't more than this and I'm even happier that I'm unhappy with the weight gain. If I'm unhappy, then likely, in the near future, I will do something about it. I accept that I am not a size 6, or 8, or heck, even a 10 right now. I do not look like a lot of my beautiful friends who seem to have more will power, energy and commitment than I have at the present moment. But I'm not supposed to. I'm just supposed to be me.
Thinking about this reminds me of the clever saying that we plan and God laughs. I feel this is very true when it comes to motherhood. We might have a plan for how our mornings will unfold and all the things we'll get done...but then life happens. Kids wake you up too early, start fighting with one another and seem to whine all day. You wake up to a gloomy rainy day and your energy vanishes. You wake up to a sick kid who needs your attention more than the treadmill. Or you find yourself full of energy and a plan and then life sends you a really hard and fast message to just slow down.
I feel this is what happened to me. Life sent me a message, one I didn't know I needed to hear. One I'm still figuring out why I needed to hear it...but I'm starting to listen. I'm starting to listen to myself, to God, to the inner knowing of why I'm here and what is most important. While wearing a size 6 really would make me happy, it won't solve my problems that need to tended to. What I need more than anything else is to make time for myself, take care of myself and my family, and live a simple life of servitude. Easier said than done, but I'm going to start with step 1 - make time for myself.
I like working out, I like doing yoga, and I like cooking and eating whole, healthy foods. Of course, I also like to indulge in the not-so-healthy foods while I veg and watch netflix:) I like room and flux in my days to do what I am feeling like doing at that moment. I don't like regimented programs or sticking to a hard and fast schedule. I feel like I need to strike a balance here because working on me will involve some sort of rhythmic schedule. So step 1 is finding a responsible, loving and affordable sitter who can help me get out of the house to workout or just have some "me time" to recoup. This time, to reset, is vital for me as I'm no good to anyone if I don't care for me first. And I really want to be of service for others.
So I've got a new plan for today. It involves working on me, giving to me, first and that feels good. I know that this weight is just temporary. I know that these feelings of feeling lost and confused about life are also just temporary. I know that if I don't let go of blame and shame I won't get anywhere. I also know that all of this is part of some grander plan that seems crazy at the moment. All I can really control is what I do in this moment. So, in this moment, I'm going to take the time to look in the mirror, see myself just as I am and tell myself, "I am beautiful." Go on, you do it too.
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